The Prisons of Ego and Shame

Ego and shame are prisons and one feeds the other.  Some ego is natural and necessary; it drives us.

However when we don’t control it, it controls us.  It becomes a beast we have to constantly feed.

The result?  Inevitably bad choices which lead to shame further imprisoning us.

I remember not all that long ago how much my ego controlled me.  I wasted so much time not being productive with my freedom outside of church and the gym.

The majority of my free time was spent chasing women with varying degrees of success, drinking and feeling a lingering sense of guilt.  I was enslaving myself to my ego.

I had to keep adding to that notch count.  I had to party the hardest.  I had to stay up the latest.  God Forbid I go to bed at midnight, because so much monumental stuff happens at 3:45 AM right?

Then I would wake up feeling this shame not knowing what I said or did.  Did I start a fight?  Where is my car?  How did I get here?

The self disgust would linger till about Wednesday, then here comes the ego back just in time for another weekend of pointless debauchery.

I was living in a cyclical prison of my own ego and shame.  I was playing right into Satan’s hands by being overly prideful and then feeling guilty, sometimes not knowing exactly what for.

Around my late 30s, I began to put the extreme latent adolescent behavior aside, but I am still a work in progress.  The work never ends.

I was faced with confronting ego and shame a couple weeks ago.  A friend sent me a video of former ballplayer Aubrey Huff talking about how he stands up to mask tyranny in Southern CA while so many men are complying.

Though I troll feminism in this blog, I have to say that women on the right have shown far more courage in taking action than men and that’s a problem.

Anyway, the video fired me up.  My mask routine had been to defy in small places here and there like the carwash where I can say I left the mask in my vehicle already loaded with suds.

I would go maskless into some convenience stores that I knew didn’t push the mandate.  On top of that I just stay away from mask Nazi joints as much as possible.

I never pushed it in the supermarket because I am not supply chain independent, not even close actually.  I rationalized that I was taking my own advice to Be Brave, But Smart.

I mean I have to buy food, right?  But it was eating at me that I had to try to hit the market maskless.

I knew this was going to be a tough one.  There are hundreds of people there all pushing or complying with the mask agenda.

It was highly unlikely that anyone would back me if controversy ensued.  There was a strong possibility I would be confronted in some way; that I can basically handle.

But there was also the possibility of local cops acting as dogs for the state harassing me rather than actual criminals.  Then anxiety hit.

What caused the anxiety?  Having to face fear; then I thought to myself, you have challenged yourself in far bigger ways your entire adult life.

You can’t handle the grocery store?  Move your ass boy!

It was my ego and shame imprisoning me.  My ego didn’t want to look stupid if confronted by cops.  I didn’t want to be shamed for not following the crowd.

But the Lord says enter through the narrow gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter though it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.  (Matthew 7:13-14).

So I asked Jesus for courage, walked with purpose and did my shopping breathing unobstructed.  If someone looked at me, I stoically looked them dead in the eyes.  Otherwise my gaze was straight ahead.

I got my items and got to the checkout unmolested.  Just as I was sticking my card in the machine a store employee told me I need a mask.

I was prepared for this.  I told her I don’t wear it for health reasons, they are an essential business and cannot deny me service.  I quoted the totalitarian governor’s order from my shithole state.

She told me I could get my groceries delivered.  I told her that was not practical for me (I mean, what if I were homeless?  I couldn’t buy food?).  She then told me they would provide a face shield.  I said okay and then left.

I felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment when I left the store.  Yes the face shield is a compromise of my position but if you live in a tyrannical shithole and have a better suggestion based on your own actions, please leave a comment advising.  If you have done nothing but comply, please shut the fuck up and leave no comments.

It felt similar to the days of coming out of the boxing gym with a headache and a nostril with dry blood still clinging to it.  I had confronted my fear stemming from ego and shame, then grabbed a little freedom win or lose.

That boxing gym was another chamber of truth when it came to the prisons of ego and shame.  It was in a bit of a tough neighborhood.  There was some gang activity, but very few gangbangers boxed.

You know why?  They were in prison and not the one many belonged in, but the prisons of ego and shame.

They already had their tough guy reputations-some earned, some not.  That was far too valuable to put on the line in their own neighborhood by possibly taking an ass whooping in the ring, especially if it came from a white boy.

Had they tried, they would have learned the nobility of an ass-kicking.  Some probably had the talent to grab a golden gloves title.  However, most were unwilling to even experience the fatigue produced by three minutes.

So back to the market.  I had to go back the next day to get dinner to prepare.  So I walk in and immediately the stasi aggressively held up a mask growling, SIR!

I stated that I don’t wear the mask for health reasons and was told I could get a shield.  I was given one.  It’s stupid looking, but allows you to breathe oxygen.

I shopped smiling ear-to-ear.  I got strange looks.  I enjoyed it.

I snapped a picture and sent it to my lady and some friends so they could have a little fun at my expense.  I had come to the realization that fear fuels ego and shame.

That fear is of looking stupid, of failing, of standing out in a possibly negative way.  So some friends cracked on me and that’s fine.

Yes, that shield looks ridiculous!  But the mask doesn’t?  Go back to 2019.  If you saw someone shopping looking like they were auditioning for M*A*S*H*, you wouldn’t mock them in your mind?

You might even take a picture and post it on Instaface so you could have a nice gossip session with the gals.

Usually what the masses are doing and what the mainstream is pushing is pure garbage.  Deep down we tend to know this.

It is our ego and shame that cause us to go along to get along, but God gives us free will.

What is your will?  Freedom or prison?  Talk soon.

-Marksman